Making Work Good

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  • Mailbag 1:08 pm on March 31, 2013 Permalink | Reply  

    I have bi-polar disorder and I keep getting fired 

    I have bipolar disorder. If my meds are working and the stress level is reasonable (I can accept a tight solid well defined deadline) I deliver superior work. I am a systems engineer and damn good at what I do. I have received national recognition for a system i built. I developed a software architecture that goes to sea with every Navy aircraft carrier.

    But when the meds are wavering, and somebody proposes something bat shit stupid, I lose it. The manic part of bipolar kicks in and I am furious, angry, rude, throwing things, and generally being a 100% walking tantrum time bomb.

    I have never held a job longer than 3 years before completely alienating everyone in the company or having a meltdown severe enough to either get fired or decide to move myself along.

    I have not only burned bridges, I have nuked them. I can’t go into consulting. No people skills for politics and networking. There are pretty much only three major corporations in my area of expertise that I haven’t worked at and they do a lot of defense work. I do not want to design something that kills people and I don’t want the hassle of a security clearance.

    And I have just been laid off.

    I need some advice.

     

    • Penelope Trunk 1:17 pm on March 31, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      You don’t have a lot of choices beside defense if you have already gotten into trouble at the other companies. Not everything in the defense industry is designed to kill people. And, frankly, there’s plenty of nefarious stuff being built in most industries, so I think, in this case, you can bite the bullet and go to defense.

      However if you stay in a company for four years with no outbursts, I bet one of your former companies will take you back, and then. You can change your career by changing your emotional patterns.

      Here are some suggestions on how to do that.

      1. Disappear.
      I worked for a CEO who was bipolar — which is common among CEOs, by the way — and when he was in bad shape he just disappeared until he could get on even keel again. And we just sort of got used to that he’d disappear for two or three days.

      2. Different types of therapy.
      Anger management training and cognitive behavior therapy might work to help you stop the outbursts in the office.

      3. Making rules for yourself.
      You need better rules for yourself leading up to a yelling fit so you don’t even get close to a yelling fit. Like, people who want to lose weight can’t go out to dinner because it will take too much restraint to stay on the diet.

      For example, you could announce, before the meeting, I am not dealing well emotionally today so I am not going to talk in this meeting. I will only listen. And people will say okay. People can be accommodating as long as you’re not a jerk. Other ideas for rules for yourself are: no talking to people for that day, or not talking in a meeting or no answering emails becuase you feel like you might be bad.

      4. More medication.
      Sometimes you can mix medication with bipolar meds. (You’d have to check with a doctor, of course).
      But you could use pills to calm yourself down on days when you can tell you are a firecracker and you have to be near people. You can take a Xanax or something else which might really decrease your perforamance but it will keep you from yelling. Also, I think respidril can be used for immediate panic. I’m not sure.

      I guess what I’m saying is that you need better rules and plans for yourself so you can’t open your mouth on days when you are not good. And then you need to get a job, maybe even not your dream job, and be nice to people in that job. That will open up more opportunities for you.

      Penelope

    • downfromtheledge 8:37 pm on April 4, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      You might be able to find a support group in your area to hear ideas from other people on how they manage their bipolar.

      There might be an opportunity to fine-tune the meds and figure out how to recognize and better respond to your triggers in this period where you’re not facing the challenge of dealing with co-workers.

    • anonymous 2:30 am on April 30, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      You need to go into teaching. A lot of teachers/professors are expected to have a certain level of craziness (hey, if you doubt this, just read the NYT recent article: The Professor and the Bikini Model). Also, I think there is a huge demand for people to be systems engineers, or, anything software design related, so there should be a demand for people who can teach that stuff. Then, once established with at least a regular part-time teaching job, you could do consulting on the side. Just don’t think of it as networking, if you know that is something you are not good at. Just stay working and on target in your field in any way you can as you never know what will come up at another company or institution that is not defense related.

      Also, please do not use bipolar as an excuse, I have never been bipolar so I don’t know what it is like but I have had experience with other disorders and my own temper related issues. You are only limited by that diagnosis to the extent that you use it to define yourself. Best of luck.

    • Cora 10:46 am on May 13, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      Hi,

      Penelope, lots of the ideas you are talking about are covered in a mental health model called wellness recovery action planning. It basically means making a plan covering what you need to stay well (Meds, exercise etc) how you and others can tell you are becoming unwell, what you and others can do. You write all this down and share it with a small group of ‘supporters’. It helps people feel in control of their own symptoms and well being.

  • Mailbag 9:05 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink  

    My boss passes off all her work to me. 

    I am a big fan of your blog. Thanks for all that you write. I was actually pointed to your blog by my former boss (a good boss) who took a lot of interest in helping me to develop at my previous company…until about my last year there, where her focus shifted elsewhere.

    That’s why I started the job I am in now–plus it got me back to the industry I want to continue building my career in, which is pharma.

    Now, I am dealing with a boss who doesn’t understand what it is that her team does all day and therefore, cannot provide constructive feedback or guidance. Please note that this is not the person who I originally reported to when I began working here, but there has been quite a bit of tumult and restructuring in the last year and I have landed in her purvue. In addition to not providing direction, she also passes most of her work down to me. And it is unclear, even to people around me that at her level who have made comments to me about the situation, what she is doing on a day-to-day basis. My frustration level is at almost a 10, and I need help in managing up.

    Can you point me in the direction of a blog you may have posted on this subject? Or, if there isn’t one, can you consider writing on this topic?

     

    • Penelope Trunk 9:16 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      The first rule of thumb when you don’t like your boss is to realize that there are no bad bosses. There are just people you can deal with and people you can’t. Unless your boss is breaking the law or screaming at you at work, your boss is not bad. You are bad at dealing with your boss.

      Here’s why: your job, everyone’s job, is to make their boss’s life better. That’s how work is. That’s why you were hired. A job description is a red herring – everyone’s real job is to make their boss’s life better. Whoever their boss is.

      Everyone in the world, including bosses, have weaknesses. The way to make your boss’s life better is to find her weakness and help her compensate for it. (Life lesson: that’s actually how to make anyone’s life better. It’s how I’m making your life better right now :)

      So, your boss does not like doing the work, she likes managing the work. She is probably not good with detail, she’s good at big picture. You can make her life better by being great with detail and getting all the work done quickly so you have more time to help her. Get very good at managing your time and prioritizing and get the work done faster than she could have imagined. The tell her you have more time to help.

      Here’s the great part: she will love you for this, because her weakness is actually doing the details of the work. So she will be open to you saying “this is what I’d really like to be learning right now. So could I take on project x so I can learn more?” She will say yes, because you are dedicating your days to helping her, so she will want to help you. It’s human nature.

      The biggest issue is that you need to change your attitude. Either your are on your boss’s team or you leave. You will never do well in a job if you are not dedicated to making your boss’s life better. Your boss controls your work flow, so she has a lot of control over the quality of your daily life. Either get on her good side or change jobs.

      But warning: the people who are most successful at work are able to get on the good side of anyone by having a deep understanding of a wide range of personalities. This understanding allows you to show kindness and empathy in an authentic way even to the most low-functioning of bosses

      Here’s a post on the topic:
      http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2004/07/22/there-are-no-bad-bosses/

      Penelope

    • Jen 9:44 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      This is some of your best advice. I would add that managing a difficult boss successfully can elevate your corporate value significantly. My current EVP boss is loved by our international board, but disrespected by all the executives in our US office. My success in managing up, and compensating for his weakness (in this case due diligence, forecasting and considering “worst case scenarios in his business plans), has earned me a high degree of respect from our executives and has resulted in them requesting my help on a number of high profile projects. I’ve managed to make my boss look good while making myself a valued business leader.

      If other executives see you doing work they believe your boss should do that only makes you look great. This is particularly true if you do that work with a positive attitude. When executives compliment me on my ability to manage my boss I just smile and say it’s all “part of the adventure.” I’ve found that phrase is great for acknowledging what you are doing without a hint of complaint.

    • Mark W. 10:14 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I just pressed the like button … even though you can’t see it.

    • Deborah Hymes 10:36 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      This is great advice — and perspective — and I know it’s true from my own experience. However, I had a work situation like this a few years ago and when I (instinctively, intuitively) did as you recommend, she became threatened and worried that I was being perceived/groomed as her replacement. Even though I truly had no interest in her job, and was crystal-clear with her on this point, she still made my life hell until I finally left.

      It was a smallish-to-medium-sized company, so fairly easy for everyone to see other people’s strengths & weaknesses. Do you have any advice for how to manage a jealous/threatened boss? Or maybe that’s a whole other Mailbag question . . .

    • Steph 10:46 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks, Penelope. Good news, I do make my boss’ life easier and although I shared with you that my frustration was at a 10–to her and the people around me, I continue to be a happy worker bee. She does love me, and she routinely highlights my going above and beyond to other members of my team (I assume, in hopes that they will do the same). The problem still remains though that when I have expressed a desire to grow, learn and work on X project as you suggested–she tells me I am too busy for that. So, while I agre with your sentiment that it is my job to make my boss look good (and I do a damn good job of that), it doesn’t appear to be getting me anywhere. Thanks for the advice!

    • Penelope Trunk 10:50 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Okay. That’s great that your boss is liking the work you do for her!

      So as long as she’s happy, you can go to someone else in the organization and ask to be on projects that will help you. You can say you have extra time and you will stay late or whatever – which you can only say in the office if your boss is very happy with you.

      And don’t just think about projects that will help you grow, but also people. If you find someone at the office who is really good at mentoring people and helping them grow, you can offer to do anything for that person, just to spend time with him or her so that they can help you move yourself to a good spot for you.

      Penelope

    • Steph 11:10 am on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Thanks, Penelope. I do really appreciate the advice. And since I have been a fan for so long I am also psyched you responded to me! (I know, I’m a bit of a dork). :) Have a great weekend!

    • John 5:54 pm on April 18, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      Dear Penelope, your advice is right on the money, my boss is as you described he is good at the big picture , not so much into details, our work actually compliments each other as I am a detail orientated person.
      Around six months ago he started giving me tasks without any brief on how he. Wants them done, reports , presentations for the senior management etc, till now he is very happy with everything I have prepared for him even down to doing the regional analysis for the P&L …..

      I know that these tasks are not within my job description and I also know some of the things he asks me to do are because he does not know how to do himself.

      I took these tasks on as a challenge to myself in addition to my regular responsibilities , I have never asked for anything in return, although I made it clear to him from our first meeting that I am looking for my career development and the next step….

      I recently discovered that he has been highlighting my abilities to the senior management an next week I have an interview with a couple of the companies directors for a new regional position where the company believe my talents could be better utilized….

      My belief is that if you make yourself indispensable you will get the recognition and good things will come. So far it has worked for me.

  • Mailbag 11:16 am on May 22, 2012 Permalink  

    How do you network when you live on a farm? 

    As someone who lives on a farm in Wisconsin, I’m curious as to how you continue to build and maintain your social connections from such a remote location. Obviously there are social media outlets, but I find that they can only supplement the social connections made from more real, and meaningful correspondence.In your case, I’m guessing that your experience living outside the farm allowed acquired adequate social resources to allow you to move to a farm and still be connected.

    Basically my question is:What is the most effective method to network when you are physically isolated from most of the people whom you would be looking to network and socialize with?

     

    • Penelope Trunk 11:27 am on May 22, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      It’s true that I lived most of my life in big cities. But what that taught me about networking is that most of the networking stuff people do in big cities you can do from a farm or any other remote location. Because what good networkers do in big cities is help each other.

      You don’t need to be in person to help someone. You need to be aware of your own skill set — what you’re good at — and you need to understand what that person needs.

      I have noticed that people at the beginning of their career offer to help by doing a small project for free. And people who are further along in their career will offer to help by making an introduction to a person or a service that can help.

      If you help someone then you have made a meaningful connection and the person remembers you.

      Also, you if you want to get to know someone you can share ideas. I remember the people who make good comments regularly on my blog. I’m sure other bloggers remember good commenters as well. That is a good path to getting to know someone with a blog.

      You can also share ideas by sending someone a link to something you think would help them that they probably have not seen. People like to be understood and cared about and that’s what you show when you send someone an idea that is helpful to them.

      The key thing about networking – both in a city and outside of cities – is quality over quantity. Early on, LinkedIn did a study that showed that your network on LinkedIn is very valuable with just 30 people in it. But those 30 people need to know you and feel that you are a connection in their life.

      So focus on one or two people who you think can help you a lot. Figure out how to get their attention and then be ready with the questions you want to ask them. Once you have someone’s attention the burden is still on you to ask good questions so that the connection becomes useful to you.

      In the end, a connection is only as good as the questions you think to ask that person.

      Penelope

    • Cassie Boorn 6:30 pm on May 25, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and struggled with the very same thing. I found that Twitter is the absolute best way to network early in your career. (or anytime really)

      First, find people in the industry you want to network with and start tweeting at them. Don’t tweet at them that you want to be their friend or have a question or need advice because people hate that. Instead, answer questions that they ask on Twitter, re-tweet smart things they say and eventually they will probably follow you back. Once they follow you back you are getting your tweets and the smart things you say in front of them AND the ability to send them private messages if you ever have a specific question for them.

      My friend Claire (ClaireDiazOrtiz.com) suggests creating private Twitter lists of 10 people you want to network with right away. You can interact with those people and then each mother switch up your list so you are constantly growing your network.

      Lastly, meeting these people in person is the only way to close the deal. Find out what conferences or events are happening that lots of people in your industry will be at. Go to at least one of these conferences (save your money up) and connect with the people you really want to meet on Twitter before you go.

      This is how I landed a job at a NYC PR agency while living in a town of 2,000 people in Illinois.

    • Melissa 4:48 pm on March 5, 2013 Permalink | Reply

      Your story is awesome!
      I completely agree with you about Twitter. It was how I started my brand.
      It’s extremely manageable and a great way to find your social media voice without putting in all the work of a blog or even a Facebook page.

  • Mailbag 10:45 pm on April 2, 2012 Permalink  

    Can you stay at a good job too long? 

    My husband graduated 5 years ago and got a job at his current company and loves it. I’m an avid reader, so I know you’d approve of the reasons why: He’s always learning. He’s thrilled to have opportunities to travel, and even live, abroad. We’ve both made good friends with a few of his colleagues. It’s close to our families, and he has a ten minute commute. There’s bullshit like anywhere, but we feel like it’s worth it. And he just got a promotion and a big raise.

    The trouble is, he’s happy to stay there indefinitely as long as they pay is good but I worry that in the modern job market, he’ll seem odd for staying at the same company – his first job out of school! – for much longer. Can that be a bad thing? If so, can you mitigate it by diversifying a resume with other things like being active in industry organizations or volunteering?

    Could it possibly make sense to give up so many good things for the benefit of having more diverse experience?

     

    • Penelope Trunk 10:56 pm on April 2, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      This certainly does sound like a good job. And I appreciate that you know all my hot-buttons for why people should change jobs.

      For those who are not so well versed in the virtues of job hopping, here’s a post about why job hopping is important for your career.
      http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/12/24/good-news-for-job-hoppers-frequent-change-maintains-passion/

      And here’s a post about how to tell if you have a good job.
      http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/09/07/do-you-have-a-good-job-take-the-test/

      Once you’ve read those posts, you can see that this job that your husband has does, indeed, seem like a keeper.

      But here are the risks of staying in that job more than five years:
      1. Your husband does not learn job hunting skills. These are the skills that keep adults afloat in the world. To not develop these skills and have to support oneself, and maybe even a family, starts to feel scary. The older you get, the harder the skills are to develop because it is so incredibly humbling to job hunt.

      2. Your husband is not building a network outside of his company that can provide a safety net for him in bad times. If he were to lose his job because of trouble at the company, most of his network would also be out of work.

      3. He is overly reliant on his company. This, I think, is the biggest problem. The longer you stay with one company the more reliant you become on being able to stay longer. The company does not owe you anything. So it’s awkward to be so dependent on it.

      That said, there are some people who are such hotshots in their field that it doesn’t matter if they stay a long time at a company. They make their own tornado of ideas and innovations and the company they are at is secondary to what’s in their head. These people are always employable. These people are usually at very high-profile companies doing high-profile projects, and that high-profile nature of their job makes them employable even if they’ve been there for ten years.

      Most people are not in that situation. Most people have to worry about staying employable. And it’s very risky to put all your eggs in the basket of one company. Most of us would rather put our eggs in our own basket, that we control. And that’s what job hopping provides for.

      Penelope

    • Jonha Revesencio 5:53 am on June 23, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I’ve been working with the same company for over 4 years and while I really appreciate the network and skills I have built with them, I quit my day job last February and went freelance instead. It was the best decision. I felt that I should have done it sooner.

      But the job really sounds like a keeper. He could probably do volunteer or learn new skills on the side without affecting the time he’s devoting to his work.

    • Rick 10:41 pm on October 22, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      What if you are a telecommuter (independent contractor) for the company for 4 year and free to work with other clients although the bulk of your work (6 hrs) is with the one company?

  • Mailbag 10:22 pm on March 4, 2012 Permalink  

    How to find meaningful work 

    After I graduated from college I chose to pursue a career path based purely on idealism rather than paying attention to my actual skills and strengths. I worked with at-risk and adjudicated youth in a variety of settings such as wilderness therapy, boarding schools, the Department of Health and Human Services and so on.

    As an ISFJ, this career path is a terrible choice for me because this line of work is all about confrontation, being in charge, and being in a frequent state of conflict.

    Having read your articles and done a lot of self-reflection, I have realized that I am actually better suited for hands-on jobs–working on something rather than someone. Most of the ISFJ career recommendations are either human service related or involve basically sitting at a desk all day as a bookkeeper or administrative assistant.

    I’m not sure what my next move should be, but I know from my past professional experience that working as a Caregiver/Teacher/Counselor or sitting at a desk all day is a terrible fit for me. Not to be ironic, but I still would like to do something that can be beneficial to people or the environment.

    Can you think of good career fit for an ISFJ who enjoys doing hands-on type of work?

     

  • Mailbag 4:45 pm on March 1, 2012 Permalink  

    Choosing between a startup and a big company 

    I’m 20, and I’m graduating with a BS in software engineering. I got offered a very awesome job at a top software company and I got offered a really cool job at a startup in a big city, too. I want to be able to do both. Is there a way I can take the corporate job, and still keep the other one, like a side hustle? Is that doable?
    How do I approach it/propose it to the startup?
    I picked the corporate job in the Midwest because
    1) It pays better
    2) My family lives there
    3) It was where I interned
    but I don’t want to give up the other job because
    1) It is a great culture fit
    2) The big city is exciting
    3) I think it will be a great chance for having great mentors
    How do you think I should go about it?
     

    • Penelope Trunk 5:32 pm on March 1, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      You can’t have both jobs at once because both jobs come with the expectation that you will be completely available during regular workday hours.

      Here’s how to think about choosing between the two jobs:

      A startup means you will have ill-defined projects that change all the time. And the direction of the company will change a lot, which will make the code you wrote irrelevant and you’ll have to throw it out and start over.

      A big company will have clear durection and clearly defined projects. But its not as exciting to be there.

      You can pick either one and If you dont like it, get a different job. As an engineer, it won’t be hard for you to get a new job if you don’t like the one you have, so it doesn’t matter much which one you pick first. There will be plenty of other jobs down the line.

      Penelope

  • Mailbag 3:55 pm on February 29, 2012 Permalink  

    How is ok to go without a raise? 

    How long is it ok to go without a raise in a job you otherwise like? I have been at the same pay rate for two years–if I don’t get offered a raise this year, should I make a fuss? The money I make is fine, I don’t need more, but I worry it’s embarrassing not to be given a raise for so long–I want to continue doing cool projects and learning different areas of the department, and I’m worried they won’t see me as moving forward if I’m not pushing for more $$. I’m definitely better at the job and can do a lot more than two years ago.

     

    • Penelope Trunk 3:58 pm on February 29, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      When you get hired, you get a salary to do a given job. Just because you get better at that job doesn’t mean you’re worth more to the company. The company had already determined what the company should pay for getting the work done that you get done. And, since the company hired you when you weren’t as good at the job, the company doesn’t value that you are better at the job.

      So the idea that you should get a raise because you have been there doing the job is not going to get you very far.

      Instead, think about personal growth. If you are curious and growing, you will not be happy in a job you’ve been doing two years. Your learning curve is getting flat. You should either ask for a lot more responsiblity at work, so that you can grow (and then, eventually, you’ll get a raise) or you should leave to go do something at another company where you would learn more.

      The most important thing in managing your career is not your salary but your learning curve. The good news is that people who keep a high learning curve year after year also generally get raises year after year.

      Penelope

  • Mailbag 12:16 pm on February 24, 2012 Permalink  

    Taking workplace anger personally 

    I’m a 28 year old high school teacher who works in an international school in Taiwan. I’ve started taking on more administrative roles, becoming our school’s first Curriculum Coordinator, and I’ve decided to get my administrator’s credential so that I can become a principal someday.
    The more I get into school administrative work, the more I see that it’s a career where it’s normal for people to get mad at you, even if you’re doing a good job.
    My question is this. How do you leave negative events at work, rather than mulling on it all evening and having it ruin your day?

     

    • Penelope Trunk 12:17 pm on February 24, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      People are not mad at you personally. They are mad that you did something that negatively affects their job. They are concerned about themselves and their job. So since it has nothing to do with you personally, and it’s about work, leave it at work.

      This is true of all jobs. You need to be able to accept that people have negative feelings that do not require you to also become negative when you hear them.

      Penelope

  • Mailbag 1:21 pm on February 10, 2012 Permalink  

    I don’t want to talk about myself 

    How can I tactfully avoid answering personal questions about myself in everyday conversation? I hate talking to other people about myself and keep my life as private as possible, and would like to avoid disclosing to people various details of my life such as what I do for work, what I study at school, what my hobbies are, etc. Is it even possible to avoid such basic, friendly questions without coming across as totally standoffish and arrogant?

     

    • Penelope Trunk 1:22 pm on February 10, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      No. This is not possible. If you don’t want to connect with people then they will not want to connect with you. And if they don’t want to connect with you they will not want to work with you or date you or have lunch with you.

      So you can tell people directly: I hate people so don’t talk to me. Or you can figure out how to find pleasure in connecting with people as a basic human need.

      You are probably writing to me because you realize that the world is set up so that it’s easier to answer basic questions about yourself than avoid them. Which means you have an extreme need to avoid answering. If I had to guess I’d say that you are extremely insecure about being judged and that you should go to therapy to try to understand your need to hide very basic details of your life.

      Penelope

    • Anoel 11:58 pm on February 12, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      I’d also add that if you don’t want to answer personal questions-tell people that. Just say, I’m sorry, nothing personal but I’m not really comfortable discussing that. Instead ask them questions about their life or move the conversations to questions you are okay with being public about. People like talking about their lives so just be interested in them and ask questions about what they bring up.

    • JessicaJane 9:23 am on May 18, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Penelope has a good point – you probably should look at your insecurities because they will serve you no good and hold you back from limited opportunities. I’m guessing you are in your 20s or younger – those years go very fast and if you spend too much time trying to “decide” what you want to do or trying to “figure out” everyone and everything around you and what they think about you… you’ll miss a decade. The best decade when you realise all the extra limitations of the next decades.

      But back to topic… I suspect it may not be as much about insecurities as much as just wanting to know the skills (although it could very well be ALL insecurities). One example I’ve noticed is working in corporate environments where men often seem much more apt at this skill or maybe there are just more men to proportionally notice!

      I’ve found myself in the odd situation where I am with someone who may have an alterior motive or I know they arnt going to reveal anything so it feels awkward to find yourself answering personal questions. You feel like they have a skill at this non-revealing extraction. It can feel like you have less control than the other person. Sometimes its just not good business sense to reveal too much, and being judged unfairly can be a legitimate career threat and revealing things nervously is not a good way to reveal anything you want to be overlooked.

      I’m not good at this but from observation -a friendly smile and a humorous line seem which is smoothly followed by a genuine question to the other person usually does the trick. Reveal a little to allow the other person to relate but keep your personal examples out. You may not, but most people do like talking about themselves, their life & their world. My best practical advice would be to write down all the questions people ask that you hate answering then think of a positive friendly response to all. The better you deliver it or the less you care, the more vague you can be.

      Another option could be to “get into” something – I’m thinking sport but really anything thats relevant. A passion for something generic can override personal in many conversations, if you pick your audience correctly. (Although, this can be a personal definer in itself – as can being silent, cagey or gruff!)

      Basically… I’ve got no idea. Just try not to give a shit for your own happiness. Even though they may ask, most people dont even remember what you said 2 sec later. Also, please consider – what does it matter if people know anything abut you? (trust me, i get the ickiness but…), how does that actually affect you?. Your attitude to it is what affects you and that aint going to change until you do it.

      Whilst I agree with everything else I think “Just say, I’m sorry, nothing personal but I’m not really comfortable discussing that” is fine if someone has just asked you who you lost your virginity to, but if you’re saying it in reply to “what do you study at school” it sounds pretty douche and screams insecurity.

      All this is great for small talk, acquaintances and groups but it a sucky way of dealing with people you value and want as part of your life.

    • Kayle 8:56 pm on August 30, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      Sounds like an introvert. This is legit. They may be gossips or insensitive to boundaries or looking for bullying fodder. What’s with the hostility??
      People are NOSY, this doesn’t mean it’s her job to accommodate or it’s dysfunctional. Get a grip.

  • Mailbag 2:50 pm on December 8, 2011 Permalink  

    How Can I Look Older? 

    People are always surprised to hear that I’m three years out of college. They think I’m much younger. I have been working since I was 16 and I have a lot more experience than most kids just out of college. How can I get people to take me more seriously? I never wear jeans to work and it’s not like I’m showing up in pajama bottoms and flip flops. I almost always wear heels and a nice skirt or suit. But still people assume I’m really young and have no work experience.

     

     

    • Penelope Trunk 2:52 pm on December 8, 2011 Permalink | Reply

      Wear dark-rimmed glasses and bright red lipstick. You will almost never see a woman wearing that combination if she’s over 35 because it’s visual code for “I’m older than I look.”

      Penelope

    • Lauren 8:34 pm on December 9, 2011 Permalink | Reply

      Unless of course, you are working in Williamsburg in Brooklyn. In which case, dark-rimmed glasses and bright red lipstick is the uniform for all the NYU young alums that roam around.

      http://www.threadbanger.com/ispydiy/post/1915/hey-granny-nice-glasses

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