Tips for working with someone with Aspergers
I love your posts about how to succeed in the work world as a woman with Asperger’s. Perhaps you could use your unique perspective to give non-asperger’s individuals some insight into how they should work with people that do have it? I think that for your socially adept readers that who have learned to recognize the signs of Asperger’s, it would be nice to have some concrete advice on how to interact with co-workers that seem to have it.
I am learning to adapt to my co-worker’s preferences (I believe he has Asperger’s) and am trying to be considerate, for example, by not making too much pointless small talk. More guidance as to how I should conduct myself would be just the kind of post I’d love to read! I feel like many of your posts detail how people with Asperger’s can learn to fit in the social world they live in – but how can I work to make it more comfortable and easier for them?
mjaynes, 
Els, 
evenstarsexplode and 13 others are discussing. 
Penelope Trunk 6:47 am on October 17, 2012 Permalink
Okay. Here are some tips for working with someone who has Asperger’s:
1. Assume the person with Aspergers is not intending to offend you. Intention to offend is actually a complicated line of reasoning that someone with Aspergers doesn’t have.
2. Assume the person with Apergers is always telling the truth. Lying is a complicated thing to do mentally. People with Aspergers don’t do those mental gymnastics. By the same token, things that sound rude are actually just the person with Aspergers telling you something straight that other people would sugar coat. Someone with Aspergers can’t see the difference between sugar coating and lying.
3. Don’t be animated when you’re talking face to face. Mild facial expressions and monotone voice are easiest for someone with Aspergers to hear. You will think you sound like a depressive, but not to the person with Aspergers.
4. Don’t tell jokes. People with Aspergers don’t understand most jokes. They are a little like lies, actually, in that you are saying something that is not totally true or not literally true. Too hard for someone with Aspergers to figure out.
5. People with Aspergers hate to listen. So if you want to be heard, use email.
6. You can tell the person with Aspergers to shut up. It’s okay. People with Aspergers talk too much, or have bad instinct of when it’s time to stop talking. But you can just say, “Okay. I’m done talking to you. Or I’m done talking about this.” The person with Aspergers will not be offended.
7. People with Aspergers want to be nice. It’s very important to them even though you would never guess that by their actions. So if you tell the person what you want, and give specific direction, they will always try their best to do it, because they want to be nice. That said, them trying their best might look to you like not trying at all.
8. Just because someone with Aspergers says no right now doesn’t mean it’s no later. No is a defense mechanism for “I don’t like change.” You can try asking again a second time later.
I hope this helps!
Penelope
downfromtheledge 10:00 am on October 17, 2012 Permalink
Expressionless, monotone, and depressive….this is in my wheelhouse, so that won’t be a problem. This is a great list, and gives us a lot of insight!
Rachel 12:35 pm on October 17, 2012 Permalink
Thanks and my favorite is #7.
Avodah 12:49 pm on October 17, 2012 Permalink
Penelope, could you elaborate a little more on #1 “,1. Assume the person with Aspergers is not intending to offend you. Intention to offend is actually a complicated line of reasoning that someone with Aspergers doesn’t have.”?
This in and of itself is complicated. My company has a very sr person who often says very offensive, very rude things (yes, he is the boss, he is sr, he has “earned it”, etc, etc), and people say he does this unintentionally. Does this excuse the hurtful or mean comments? I should hope not. Granted, I don’t know if he has Aspberger Syndrome.
I suppose my question is, how much can, or should, we excuse by a lack of intent? People with and without disabilities are capable of being hurtful, even when they don’t intend to. This can make for a pretty dysfunctional and unhappy workplace.
Sooo, how do professionals handle hurtful or rude comments, even if the offender didn’t intend to be hurtful?
Penelope Trunk 11:38 pm on November 8, 2012 Permalink
Well, you can tell the person he hurt your feelings and you don’t like how he treats you. And you can see if he changes. If he doesn’t change, and you keep having your feelings hurt, then it doesn’t really matter if he has Aspergers or not: you should change jobs.
Penelope
Linda 5:11 am on November 11, 2012 Permalink
My boss has aspergers and I’m in love with him. It doesn’t help that I’m married and he has a partner. We both have problems in our primary relationships and this is the reason he initially approached me; he was lonely and sad.
I am very direct and honest but he’s not and we have ongoing misunderstandings because of this. Also working together closely causes problems primarily in our communication styles.
Should I ask him why he hasn’t told me he has aspergers? I know for certain that he does.
Katelyn Kramer 2:25 pm on November 15, 2012 Permalink
What?? What are you smoking? This is pathetic, your boss is not interested in you at all. Move on.
R C 11:19 pm on November 26, 2012 Permalink
No, you should try to figure out why you are behaving like a cheat and so unprofessionally. Worry about your own problems, instead of making them up for him.
Norah 10:47 pm on March 4, 2013 Permalink
1. Huh? Maybe he has, maybe he hasn’t, and maybe he has it and doesn’t know it. If he’s older than about 30 or so, he wouldn’t have been diagnosed as a child, and if he’s fairly successful in life it may never have come up, so he may not even know he has it, if in fact he does have it!
2. But you shouldn’t even be worrying about that aspect right now, but about your marriage and if you want to continue it or end it, and also whether you want to stay in your job under the circumstances, or to find something else.
Rachel 10:55 am on November 28, 2012 Permalink
Thank you for this! I’m the Aspie in my work place and my very accomodating, respectful superiors have asked how they should be treating me, but I never know what to say.
Heather 3:49 am on December 20, 2012 Permalink
I worked as an engineer for a major defense contractor for ten years. I was dedicated, well-respected, and was a top-performer. I basically succeeded at whatever I did. I loved the work and found it challenging. I enjoyed the social environment of the group that I worked with as well. I had a long history of getting along with everyone very well. Everything changed for me when my manager, who was having trouble dealing with a young new hire asked me to supervise the work of this new hire, a young male. Let’s call him John. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. John was quirky, antisocial and confrontational. I tried my best to ignore some very negative things that John would say about my skills as an engineer and my skills as a supervisor. I patiently tutored John on things he didn’t understand, and found that John was solely motivated by learning new things. He wasn’t concerned with trying to meet deadlines and working on things I asked him to. He set out on a goal to prove himself better and smarter than me at every opportunity. He was very critical of software I designed and was extremely critical of my software in meetings. His critical marks were way off target, because my software was written in a deliberately peculiar way in order to achieve fast execution time. He was unfamiliar with the techniques I used, and was very critical of it. When I explained to him that he was actually wrong to be critical of my design in the meeting and taught him the techniques I used to increase speed, he began to become very hostile towards me. He was determined to prove me wrong at any cost, which he never could do because I was right. After I piqued his interest with software techniques he had never encountered, then started reading textbooks to satisfy his endless search for knowledge while I tried to coach him into doing actual work. Exasperated, I approached the project manager, who just wanted to get the project done and didn’t want to waste time on “personality conflicts.” After numerous other incidents, my harmonious job of 10+ years had quickly disintegrated into a toxic, hostile work place. I was angry because the project manager didn’t really care that John was criticizing me at every opportunity and wasn’t following my orders. When I finally reached my wits end because John would not cooperate with me at all, I went to Human Resources (HR) to discuss the problems I was having both with John and the resultant problems I was having with my program manager who didn’t appear concerned about this very toxic environment that was ever worsening. HR called a conflict resolution meeting, and John was just seething with venom towards me. In the meeting he was calling me a liar and incompetent and was just behaving like a lunatic. I thought at this point HR would rebuke John and take my side. Much to my surprise HR took the position that I was equally culpable for the situation. John’s many shortcomings (critical remarks, antisocial behavior, would not do what his supervisor asked of him etc.) were of little concern to HR; they were only concerned that I wasn’t getting along with John and tried to find ways of improving our relationship. After several unfruitful meetings with HR, I eventually decided that I couldn’t stand working at a company that would let an insolent employee do whatever he wanted with no consequence. The company appeared little concerned that MY feelings had been hurt. I no longer felt safe at my workplace and worried about being attacked by this person that was so openly hostile towards me. It’s hard to be called names like “liar” and “incompetent” in front of managers and HR people and have them be ok with that. All this stress led me to quit the job that I would never have imagined that I would leave. As I was in my exit interview with HR when they revealed to me that John had Asperger’s and they tried to get me to reconsider leaving. I’d never heard of the condition before and honestly thought they said “Ass Burgers” which made no sense to me. It makes me mad that someone can be a complete disruption at a work place and turn it into a toxic environment and have everyone be ok with that because they suffer from Asperger’s. I’m glad to be gone from the torments of dealing with this particular Asperger’s sufferer. I periodically check in with friends at my old company to hear what John’s latest antics are. He’s still causing lots of problems and HR is still taking the position that other engineers who are having similar struggles with John need to work out their problems. Leaving that job had a very negative impact on my career and my financial situation and it was all caused because someone with Asperger’s was getting away with behavior that would not be tolerated by anyone else.
nw 6:23 am on December 22, 2012 Permalink
Rachel, you should really think about how *you* want to be treated, and tell your bosses that. Penelope has good suggestions, but not all people with AS are the same or have the same needs.
For instance, I almost certainly have Asperger’s, but I don’t have a problem with small talk or animated people. You too may have ways that you differ from what Penelope described, and you might have issues she didn’t mention.
nw931w 6:43 am on March 4, 2013 Permalink
@Heather:
I’m an aspie, and this is what you should have realized: beyond trying to gang up on them (like you tried to do, in vain) the only way to deal with toxic aspies is to sink to their level, if possible. Or shoot them and bury them at a crossroads with a mouthful of garlic. Because they can scarcely be emotionally wounded or reasoned with. The situation is similar to working with a psychopath, the normal “rules of the game” no longer apply. ‘John’ was probably just trying to bully you into submission like a five-year-old kid, in blue-eyed earnest, and probably couldn’t even reason abstractly about his emotional motives for doing so. Think of people like him as the stereotypical geek male, but sliding towards truly inhuman territory and evil to boot.
His motivation was to try to steamroll others into bending to his will using brute force and feigned anger, which obviously only works in a very limited subset of situations. Speaking for myself, I can behave similarly sometimes, but I generally use more subtle methods of manipulating people without using emotions like out-arguing them or simple ingratiation combined with some situational opportunism to make myself look better – the best way to get people to do what you want is to make them want to do what you want and in order to be manipulative (which people like me sometimes need to be in order to bypass the social networks that other people have, not neccessarily to abuse or exploit them) you need to know just exactly where the limits go. And, of course, I don’t want to be a toxic asshole like this guy.
Now, if he’d had a more nuanced understanding of power and human wants he’d never have acted like that, so someone like him is obviously vulnerable to all sorts of manipulation. Personally I’d have used one of two strategies:
1. Sucker him into thinking that you actually find some of his views relevant in order to lull him into safety and view you as a “good person” in his eyes (like Sauron or Megatron) then dangle a goal in front of his head to distract and occupy him. This’d rely on being able to communicate with him and not offend him – aspies get offended by other people trying to control them or behaving in a condescending manner towards them, so you’d have needed to make it seem completely natural, i.e. not too cheerful. If he’d smelled a rat you’d have been in a worse position than before. He might have hated you because you’re a woman, don’t know how to deal with that problem really.
2. (This can’t be done in civilized society of course, but we can say that we’d be stranded on an island or in Russia or something) show yourself a ‘worthy leader’ through abusing him and generally being a total dickwad, Gordon Ramsey style – in his twisted little mind he’s probably thinking that overt might makes right. If he doesn’t recognize your strength guys like him flee like a scared cat. Unlike a psychopath he’d probably have been loyal to you after this because he doesn’t like change. I’m writing this option mostly to make you realize that poor fuckers like him is not thinking at all like a normal person – I’ve met a few of these people and they are mean as everloving fuck in a very childish manner and can’t be changed unless you’re a mad genius neurosurgeon. And they all corrode in mostly the same manner, too, men or women, so once you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.
All in all, it makes me sad thinking that people like this are walking around – part of why I mostly hide my diagnosis professionally – and if someone else ever finds themselves in a position like this, just remember that, yes, he/she actually is deranged and evil and out to get you – your experiences are real and not imagined on your part.
evenstarsexplode 12:51 pm on March 11, 2013 Permalink
@nw931w-why would an aspie care to bully anyone? Aren’t they too interested only in themselves? You are saying they care but don’t know they care?
evenstarsexplode 12:54 pm on March 11, 2013 Permalink
Also-if you are an aspie, how do you know about “reasoning abstractly”?
Ann 2:42 pm on March 4, 2013 Permalink
I’m a person with Aspergers and a lot of Penelope’s points don’t apply to every person with Aspergers. In fact what she has written makes it sound as if we’re all stupid. I don’t know where she got all these assumptions but some of of them are downright incorrect….
People with Aspergers can and do lie — good luck reading their atypical body language, however, especially if this person is a bad apple and doing it on purpose. People with Aspergers can be exceptional liars or terrible liars which makes it even more difficult to tell.
People with Aspergers can understand and make jokes — sense of humor varies — it’s insinuations and double meanings that can be lost sometimes.
People with Aspergers can be intentionally mean and insulting to others — you just may not be able to tell if this is the case or if they are being brutally honest about something. We aren’t all naive innocent angels.
People with Aspergers don’t necessarily hate to listen, but they may have trouble responding on the fly. What you probably mean is they can have trouble engaging in productive conversations. Email allows us time to formulate our thoughts and respond to you the way we want to be heard. We know people can have problems understanding us, especially those of us who are aware of our conditions.
If you came up to me and purposely spoke in a monotone manner I would think there was something wrong with you, as I have probably seen you treat other people differently. Last thing you want to be is patronizing to an adult who is aware they have this condition, and have them call you out on it with their brutal honesty.
Be careful about the “no” thing. You may want to ask for a reason why they’ve come to that decision, rather than ask again. For one it’s more respectful, and secondly if you can convince someone with Aspergers that your idea is better for a logical reason there’s a good chance they will change their mind with little fuss.
And please don’t tell us to “shut up”. How rude. You write it like it’s a joke when it’s a serious problem. Yeah you can say you’re out of time or don’t want to hear anymore, but don’t literally tell us to shut up. Some of us really do have bad sense of when someone is bored, but don’t be rude about it. We do have the capacity to feel hurt, despite that you appear to think we’re robots. Chances are if we’re speaking to you at length, we like you and trust you, or we’re only trying to help. Suddenly changing the conversation or talking over us is noticed. Telling us to shut up is noted.
mjaynes 10:14 pm on April 24, 2013 Permalink
“Suddenly changing the conversation or talking over us is noticed”
You may notice. On a great day I may notice. On any other day if I get to talking about something that excites me I will not notice. The only way to stop me is to say something like “Stop, I do not want to talk about that any more. Let’s change the subject.” Without this segway would listen to the person who interrupted me than continue speaking on my favored subject. I have literally brought people to tears because they were to polite to say something like this. I lost friends over this. I would prefer a person use the the words stop or quiet over shut up but for me it is totally necessary.
mjaynes 10:18 pm on April 24, 2013 Permalink
Saying shut up is much better than letting me ramble on and on and avoiding me in the future.
Els 5:13 pm on March 11, 2013 Permalink
To Ann:
As another person with Aspergers, I would like to thank you, Ann, for this polite yet clear and intelligent response to the author’s tips.
I could not agree more with your nuanced analysis. While I’m sure that Penelope did not mean to offend, these tips reflect some very unsubtle preconceptions about people with Aspergers, making us out to be rather simple and slightly stupid indeed.
To Penelope:
I’m surprised that someone with Aspergers like yourself would contribute to this clichéd representation of autistic individuals. After all, why would you assume that certain attitudes preferred or exhibited by you or other people with autism that you personally know, would automatically be applicable to all other people with autism to the same degree? We do not make this assumption for neurotypical people either.
And why, if you really feel the need to generalize, would you do so in a manner that is stigmatizing?
If I were an employer considering hiring someone with Aspergers and doing some research on the subject, reading these tips might put me off a bit.
I’m not attacking you, just very curious as to why you would write about us this way.