I’m an INTJ, and I have a quick question.

I’m a Ph.D. student of theoretical physics and as usual, I discuss my research with my supervisor. Because she doesn’t bother to get into the detail of calculations, or maybe because she doesn’t care enough, sometimes she makes obviously stupid comments, and such things make me angry a little. So I feel she thinks I’m arrogant, even if I don’t get angry and try to explain (explaining stuff is a little hard for me…). But I’m not. I do appreciate when she has some good comments (which she does sometimes…).

So can you help me to avoid such misunderstandings?

I don’t want to ask you a career question because I know you’re just going to tell me that I’m 32 so I should get married and have kids. But if I don’t get a career I love first then I’ll always be dependent on my husband, and that’s scary.

After 12 years of not a single date, desire, need or want for a man/companionship in any way, my coworker and I unintentionally fell in love. Loves me for who I am, your happiness is my happiness and all that jazz.

Problem is, he is sort of married. Not legally married but wears a ring, they share a child and a home. However, it’s an insane partnership where both have hurt each other in every way, constant fighting, one of those “were staying for the kids” relationships at this point. Mostly bad with good moments.

I lost my virginity to him. We told each other we loved each other and had sex all within a 3-month span. Lots of late nights in the office, however we only had sex the one time. When he kissed me I actually lost my breath and went weak in the knees. When we had sex, it was perfect in every way. He was wonderful to me.

The problem with all of that is, he has completely changed on me, even though he swore he wouldn’t and I’m miserable. I don’t know what happened, but he won’t talk about it even though he knows I’m an ENFJ and my two needs are communication and quality time.

One day he will sneak a handhold in from across the desk and tell me he loves me. The next he won’t even let me speak to him.

I decided for myself weeks ago that I was done, this was over, I deserve better, this is bullshit, etc. The hell of it is, I not only have to work in the same building, but we are the COO’s of the companies only two departments that go hand in hand.

I have constant anxiety.

I think what I’m struggling with is, I can’t decide on a story. Either I was a complete and utter fool who was someone’s mistress and lost my virginity and this was the biggest mistake of my life. Which is a hard pill to swallow when you have pride yourself on being a strong, smart hard worker with a healthy dose of confidence. This is very new, and if I’m being perfectly honest, pathetic feeling to me.

Or, as my friends like to tell me, I waited until I was almost 30 to have sex with someone I loved. With the person I have loved more than anyone in my entire life. And it was wonderful. And with all the growing and learning I’ve done, how could that be a mistake?

The real problem is this: I have worked my ass off to get this position. Worked my way up from the bottom, nights and weekends, many sacrifices, etc. I love my job. I am fantastic at it. I was made for management. I have hand chosen my team, and they are amazing. I have never worked so hard before in my life but somehow never tire.

I don’t know that I can with having to see him every single day. Because then it hasn’t really ended. I don’t have the luxury of choosing to not see him or talk to him.

So, should I stay or should I go? Would leaving be giving him even more power? This is more change in my life (in a very big real way) because of him? Should I stay in spite him, stand my ground and what not?

I bought my own house two years ago, I’m not making a lot of money but its the most I’ve ever made and am more than comfortable, financially speaking. I have no prospects job wise but a healthy savings.

Wherever you go, there you are, that’s a thing. I know leaving won’t resolve this but at least I wouldn’t be tormented by him and his games 10 hours a day.

I am an INFJ. My current boss keeps telling me that I don’t challenge people / push back enough on the spot in terms of what colleagues/clients tell me and that she sees me just accepting what they say, for example:

1. A teacher says they are not using the virtual platform we provide to their school at the expected usage rate for X reason e.g. Intermittent Internet connectivity, basic infrastructure issues disrupting their ability to use the platform etc. I’m supposed to push back against what they see as obstacles and get them to solve these issues so that they can increase their usage of the platform.

I’m actually satisfied that they’ve gone from zero use to some use looking at the obstacles they face and don’t think we should be pushing them for the sake of increased usage when they’ve figured out a way to use the tech meaningfully within the limitations they are facing.

2. A team member informed me that we were not supposed to deliver a training session for a client in English (I was away from work when this happened and so just assumed she was filling me in on a decision made by my boss). I didn’t think to question her as I had no reason not to trust that the information wasn’t accurate.

Turns out she mislead me but my boss used this as an example of me not challenging people enough. In fact, when my boss raised this with me I didn’t even explain to her why I didn’t feel the need to question my colleague. I just took it rather than have an argument.

From my point of view whenever someone tells me something, my lack of objection doesn’t mean I’ve accepted what they are saying. I find I need time to ruminate on what has been said, understand where they are coming from before I can come to a ‘judgment’.

Is my lack of immediate pushback associated with an INFJs’ cognitive process or is this a function independent of personality type?

If it is associated with type, will working to overcome this and thinking more on my feet be an uphill battle or should I just let go of getting validation from my boss/company expectations and make this job my own by exploiting my so-called INFJ strengths?