What are the typical pitfalls in relationships for women with autism?
I want to find the best ways to navigate romantic and platonic relationships while I’m still single.
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penelope@penelopetrunk.com
For women with autism, the most common pitfalls in a romantic relationship are being extreme and not knowing it.
So, either the autistic woman will capitulate on everything because she doesn’t want to deal with conflict; or the woman will have to be right about everything and does not stop arguing until her partner agrees that she’s right.
It’s difficult for a woman with autism to see that she’s doing either of these things. Remember, we always think we are easy-going, reasonable and logical. When a woman with autism says that she doesn’t always have to be right, it’s because she doesn’t realize how awful it is to deal with her when she’s arguing. Or the woman with autism will say she had no choice but to give in to her spouse because he is so awful when he argues. But instead of learning to stand up to people who argue, the autistic woman gives her husband the label of narcissist and thinks of that as an excuse for not having to learn to stand up to him. Meanwhile, neurotypical people stand up to a narcissist just fine — notably by not marrying one.
The reality is that people who are neurotypical can stand up for themselves and be flexible at the same time. And if you focus on being both those things, your relationships will work: set boundaries that are reasonable and find other people who respect boundaries. This is all very difficult to understand from the point of view of autism but very important for us all to practice as much as we can.
Penelope
Thanks for the reply and Mailbag posts!
it’s really hard to argue with my mom. the pattern with her is she capitulates to everyone for long enough until she blows up. Every blow up contains a type of rage that makes me think she’s going to kill that person (sometimes me, sometimes my dad). everytime she gets in a fight with my dad, she has to bring up all their previous fights so their fights can go on up to a month long while i try to go about my life unaffected.
we are always so careful around her to not set her off. and then she likes to tell us she’s the most easy going person in the family because look at how quiet she is. the only upside to my parents relationship is they are still married and when she’s not in that state, she and my dad spend lots of time talking to each other and supporting each other. Just not sharing that support to us kids.
from observing my parents, I think try to be mindful when your partner upsets you and talk about it sooner than later will help assess the longevity of your relationship and reduce the volatility impact. I tell myself only when im in an emotionally stable relationship, I will be able to work more outside the home