If you and I are both autistic, why are you with a partner and I can’t find one?
Dear Penelope,
Why does it seem that even people that I seem to align with are capable of finding a happy relationship, when I remain single and alone? How the hell do you do it (the normal being with another person thing, without pretending to not be you all the time? Or does ther person you are with love you just the way you are? How in the hell do I find that? Does he have a brother?
I’m not sure if you remember that the guy I appear to be partnered with is actually the guy who divorced me and didn’t pay child support. It has taken a ton of compromising from both of us to be so close now. Imagine how much he hated me. And imagine how much I hated him. We had to forgive each other and then overlook everything we don’t like about each other. We had to decide that it was better to be with someone competely imperfect than to be alone.
In the past ten years I have read so so much research about how people who are married are happier. For a million different reasons. The data shows there’s no comparison between the quality of life alone vs commited to someone. But this assumes that being alone feels lonely.
The only reason we commit to someone is becasue we genuinely believe that life alone feels lonely. If you think life alone might be okay, you’ll always choose to be alone because it’s so much easier to make that choice. Having a partner isn’t good because the partner is amazing. It’s good because you’re not alone.
Which is to say that if you wanted to have a partner you’d have one. You’d compromise is enormous, shocking ways to have a partner which is exactly what everyone else does. So, maybe you don’t really want a partner.
Fair enough. It’s been fine up until recently. Bad experience like yours made me certain being alone was totally ok. Don’t want to go there again. And, I was raising a kid and he deserved all my attention. Now that he’s out of the house and 2 weeks ago had an appendectomy, I realize maybe I need to make concessions as I was unable to function, in so much pain (couldn’t get out of bed, lift things, move around). Quite the eye opener. Either concessions to find a partner, or move back home near my 2 single sibling sisters! Thank you
I get it: Covid was the eye-opener for me.
Good luck with your recovery!
Is there a way of replacing this? Like as in you live multi generally or in some kind of compound with communal spaces?
I have someone and children but I’d rather not they have to be my Carers. A small amount but I’d love to either stay healthy or be able to pay for care
This reminds me a lot of the research on siblings. I don’t remember the details but a good relationship with siblings as adults is a proxy for good social skills.
The point being that at some point in your lives you’ve probably done some pretty mean things to your siblings (and vice versa.) It shows growth and maturity to not only get over all the slights, manipulation and psychological warfare, but also laugh about it and enjoy each other’s company.
I guess that’s what it means to grow up together.