Can You Coach My Wife?
I read your blog all the time. I saw at one point that you mentioned you do career coaching but don’t really advertise it.
As I read your blog, I see in so many ways reflections of my wife, except for her extreme introversion. I was wondering if you’d be willing to potentially work with me to work with her (with the goal of eventually having her talk to you directly) because she’s reticent to seek this sort of help herself.
As a little additional background, she’s 29, an INTJ, possibly with undiagnosed Aspergers, though probably on the milder end of the spectrum. Unfortunately, though you seem to have navigated particular difficult parts of your life by having a friend or two to give you advice at crucial times, she has had so many failed interpersonal relationships (especially with medical professionals or so-called ‘experts’ whom she already knew more than) she has become nearly incapable of seeking or asking for help. She feels she has no practical skills and only chases after fairly un-challenging jobs that cater to neither her abilities, nor interests; eventually leaving her emotionally and psychologically drained.
If this sounds like something you are willing or able to help with, I’d love to hear back.
I could coach your wife.
But you know what? This email is not about your wife. It’s about you. You are frustrated with her for not being able to get her act together. You are scared that she is not taking advice and things will never change. You want to show her empathy, but it’s too hard for you, so you are trying to fix things, instead.
So honestly, I think you need to go to therapy, to work out all the feelings you are having. And I think you probably need to let her figure things out on her own. You can’t force someone to want to change.
That said, it might be okay that she applies for jobs below her intellectual level. Because the jobs may be just right given her level of executive function. Many people with Aspergers are very smart but very happy doing repetitive, jobs with very clear direction.
For someone with Aspergers the world is psychologically draining, independent of whether or not a given job is draining. It’s draining to eat in a new place, drive on a new street, meet a new person. So the fact that your wife is drained is not necessarily and indicator that she is in a job that’s not right for her.
Penelope