January 2013 – Penelope Trunk Mailbag

Your post titled How to Pick a Husband if You Want to Have Kids really reasonated with me. Well, half of it did. I already have a husband, and I’m 31 years old. I’m an ENFJ, so a lot of my self-worth comes from my career achievements (I’m a lawyer), but relationships are very important to me too. Not just my relationship with my husband. This is going to sound borderline sociopathic, but I get excited when I’m able to make a connection with an interesting person who is really introverted.

Anyway, right now I am trying to assess whether I should have children at all. My husband definitely wants them. I think I want them too, but in reality, I know I would really struggle, especially the first few years because I would have to compromise at work. And he makes about twice as much money as me, so I would have to be the one to take the longer maternity leave and work around the nanny/daycare/whatever schedule much more than him, at least for now.But if I decide no kids ever (leaving aside the damage to my marriage that would ensure), how do I know I won’t wake up when I’m 45 and really regret it? My personality makes me think that would probably happen. Then again, if I don’t have that strong urge to be a mother now, will I ever have it?

People constantly say I’m really nurturing, and I’d be a great mom. My own mother died when I was 22, so I don’t have a great sounding board for this stuff. Part of this may be coming from me seeing friends have babies and struggle with it. Three of my best friends from law school had kids within the past year, and all three tried to go back but quit working entirely within the first year.

What is your advice for women like me who are already pretty far into their careers and did not take your advice to have kids early?

I feel stuck. I have been doing consulting in the Big 4 for around 10 years now and it’s just getting old. I took the test and I am burnt out. I took the other test and it appears that I may not have a good job and then I took another test and it shows me that I am an ISTJ. After you get the result from that personality test it provides links to jobs that may be good for that type and I am already in those jobs and have been most of my 13 year career.

I feel like I have been trying to get out of consulting for years now, but now that I look at the openings that exist in my market that are outside of consulting, it appears that I don’t have the skills to do those and it feels like consulting is the only thing I can do (which is not the case….I’ll admit to having a broader skill set than just being a consultant). I don’t know where to start to get unstuck. I need to reinvigorate my career and find interest in what I do or I need to find something else.

I am risk averse though. My wife quit work 3 years ago to stay at home with our four kids. We live comfortably on my salary, but I can’t take a massive pay cut to get into something that would potentially make me happier. That will just lead to more stress. Also, I am rooted firmly in Columbus. All of my family is here and it’s a good place to raise a family.

I need to find something where I get some kind of fulfillment. Telling people all of the things they do wrong and how they could be better isn’t doing it for me lately. I’m 36 and I feel like I hit a wall. I am unmotivated and constantly thinking about how can I get a new job that will provide something closer to an 8-5, will keep me off the road and will let me be more present in my kids lives.

My hope is that someone else has emailed you about this before and you can just copy and paste that answer here, but I know one size does not fit in with career advice. I ordered a couple of the books you referenced on your site as well, so I am hoping that they provide some guidance or perspective.

Any insight you could provide would be much appreciated.

I’m scared having kids will ruin my career

I’m 40 and I hate my high-paying job

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