Your post titled How to Pick a Husband if You Want to Have Kids really reasonated with me.  Well, half of it did.  I already have a husband, and I’m 31 years old.  I’m an ENFJ, so a lot of my self-worth comes from my career achievements (I’m a lawyer), but relationships are very important to me too.  Not just my relationship with my husband.  This is going to sound borderline sociopathic, but I get excited when I’m able to make a connection with an interesting person who is really introverted.
Anyway, right now I am trying to assess whether I should have children at all.  My husband definitely wants them. I think I want them too, but in reality, I know I would really struggle, especially the first few years because I would have to compromise at work.  And he makes about twice as much money as me, so I would have to be the one to take the longer maternity leave and work around the nanny/daycare/whatever schedule much more than him, at least for now.

But if I decide no kids ever (leaving aside the damage to my marriage that would ensure), how do I know I won’t wake up when I’m 45 and really regret it?  My personality makes me think that would probably happen.  Then again, if I don’t have that strong urge to be a mother now, will I ever have it?

People constantly say I’m really nurturing, and I’d be a great mom.  My own mother died when I was 22, so I don’t have a great sounding board for this stuff.  Part of this may be coming from me seeing friends have babies and struggle with it.  Three of my best friends from law school had kids within the past year, and all three tried to go back but quit working entirely within the first year.

What is your advice for women like me who are already pretty far into their careers and did not take your advice to have kids early?

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1 reply
  1. Penelope Trunk
    Penelope Trunk says:

    You should have kids.

    You get to choose what you do with your life. So if you have kids and you want to have a big career, you will. And if you don’t like having a big career and you want to cut back and have more time with your kids, you’ll do that.

    That’s how it was for me. I’ve tried both. I just do what feels right for me. You say you are and ENFJ (https://type-coach.com/types/enfj) so you are going to be great at both – work and kids – so you should give yourself the opportunity to do both. Instead of feeling tortured that you might want to do both, feel strong and capable that you’ll be great at both.

    Good luck!

    Penelope

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