I’m in the US for a job. Should I do an arranged marriage in India?
I came to US 5 years ago for school and working for a fortune 500 company in Chicago and make a decent living. My parents are in India and wanted to marry someone of the same religion, caste etc (too much for ppl here to understand) Well. I visited my parents last November and they made me meet someone. She was smart, have same views about things I care for, but something about her physical looks bother me. I said yes to my parents after meeting her for couple days I was there, thinking I will get over the fact. But I never did.
Whenever we skype, it keeps bothering me. There were twice I told her I’m not ready for the wedding w/out telling the actual reason and she convinced me everything is going to be alrite. I have my wedding in 1 month. It’s been couple weeks I even skyped but use whatsapp and phone every day. All invitations are sent out and my entire family is excited for me to go there and get married. I’m having strong back thoughts. In my family calling off wedding means they will actually disown me.
I need your opinion on what I should be doing. Why do I need your opinion. Because I want to know what you think is the right thing to do, from a person who doesn’t know me and would tell me the truth – I could just think of you. When I ask this question to friends who know me they don’t give me a frank answer and some convince me I’ll be alrite after the wedding and some say it’s too late and will be embarrassing for the entire family if I do that.
Guess what? When I was in my 20s I was in a mental ward for an eating disorder, and my roommate was from India and her fiance had just broken up with her, and she tried to commit suicide.
Okay. So, don’t freak out. I tell you this to let you know that I know how serious this is. But here’s something else I know: she was fine. Her family was very very kind to her. I saw them every day. And she realized that the guy was not right for her. And she also realized that she is in the US, where people truly do not care about caste, and broken engagements and she could marry anyone she wants.
So if you are going back to India, and you will live in the same town as your family, then you probably need to follow your family’s rules. But you might consider that your family’s rules are not right for you. And then you’d need to start a family on your own, with your own rules, and your family will come around.
Also, you cannot marry your parents. They are married to each other. And you deserve to be loved the most in the world by someone, and to be in love. You might learn to love this woman down the road. Arranged marriages often come out just fine. But you don’t need to risk that if you are not going back to your family’s town to live.
I hope this helps you. I think the real issue is that you live by the rules of the society you choose to live in. So this is really about where do you want to live and where do you want to fit in – not so much about this particular woman.
Penelope
Now that Penelope has given her kind reply , I’m really give you the frank response you’ve been wanting. Especially since I’m also a South Asian
1) You could tell your mum or dad or someone close what is it exactly about the girl’s looks that bother you. There’s still time, just tell them exactly what it is – flat chest, big nose, scar on her face, dark skin tone.
2) Chances are that you probably have the superiority feeling that you are quite a catch and deserve a hot gorgeous looking woman. You know a trophy wife. If you admit it, it will easier
(Note to Penelope: This is fairly common, it’s called the NRI superiority complex).
3) You probably wrote to PT asking for sex advice. Will the girl’s look affect your ability to be intimate. No surprises here. If you resent her for the way she looks now, then you are also going to be doing that later on.
4) You are so incredibly shallow. And that’s why you are having an arranged marriage. Seriously who would want to date you and then marry you. Moron
5) Save the girl from a loveless marriage. It will breakdown eventually. Resentment affects marriages. She will figure it out eventually.
6) See a therapist.
Also subcontinental, so I know your dilemna.
Break up with the girl: there is a slim chance you’ll be happy together, but a larger chance you won’t. Tell your parents why – they deserve to know. But tell them to keep it a secret. Do NOT tell the girl it’s her looks that are bothering you: this will destroy her. Tell her it’s you. Allow her some dignity.
“My parents are in India and wanted to marry someone of the same religion, caste etc (too much for ppl here to understand)”
“Too much for ppl here” to understand, yet you ask Penelope for advice. Nice.
FYI – “ppl here” have no problem with the intellectual understanding of backwards-ass mindsets and traditions that are stuck in the dark ages. We just know better than to do arranged marriages and worry about things like caste.
Drop the feelings of superiority that Sadya pointed out – it infuses everything you say.
I don’t think you’re shallow, it’s okay to want to be physically attracted to your spouse and you tried to look to the important values such as intelligence and mindset. I wonder if this physical flaw was actually your mind’s way of rejecting the woman because in fact you wanted to reject the idea of an arranged marriage? I interpret that this woman is conventionally attractive and this flaw is just a nagging doubt. If you decided to go ahead let me reassure you that almost everyone has some doubt before they get married, respect and shared values are a much better indication of the success of a relationship than physical attractiveness, this woman probably has her own fears and questions and divorce does and can happen and people get through it, often as better people.
She’s going to marry you come to the US and leave you. If you want to live in an arranged marriage type world get out of the US its not the right place for this BS, marriage is supposed to be about love not convenience thats all arranged marriages are. a convenient way to hook up your kids and get rid of your daughter (and of course the dowry).