I left my job to work on my own business full time. The business teaches kids how to program (and not just to program but produce their own apps, emphasize on problem solving techniques). I’m very excited because I love kids and this is something I can potentially sustain myself as a lifestyle business.

However, what makes me a bit down is that after my coaching session with you, we agreed that the best thing for me is to focus on staying in one job and finding a lifelong partner.

I went on a few dates, dated a guy (broke up within a month) and then now in a pseudo relationship with another guy who is non committal. For this guy, I’ve been seeing him for 3 months regularly (~2 times a week). We like each other but he has just got out of a relationship (in Nov) (or for whatever reasons), not ready to commit.

 

And, another problem is that I also have an idea for a new business I’m thinking of, just one week after I quit my job to do this business.

I’m not getting younger, but at the same time just don’t feel I don’t have the capacity to both run a business and cultivate a new relationship.

Would you have any advice for situations like this?

 

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7 replies
  1. Penelope Trunk
    Penelope Trunk says:

    You are meeting guys who can’t commit because you can’t commit.

    I think you are focusing on the idea that commitment = entrapment. Which is true, to a large extent. For example, being with someone is limiting. But it’s more limiting to not be with someone. And staying in a job is limiting, but it’s more limiting to never staying in a job long enough to be good at it.

    So, to be an adult, you have to start giving things up. You can’t get anything in adult life if you don’t give things up. To get a big career you have to give up other big career opportunities. To get a significant other you have to give up the independence of not having a significant other.

    If you don’t give things up, you get nothing.

    Penelope

    • Lara
      Lara says:

      I agree with Penelope! You have to make space for things. If there is no room for a relationship – or a job – or a child – it will always elude you. Let go and free up some space!

  2. Morgan
    Morgan says:

    “You are meeting guys who can’t commit because you can’t commit.”

    Brava, spot on. So many of us expect to meet our opposites – people whose strengths will counter our weaknesses – when it is more often that like attracts like.

    However, could you expand on this concept: “But it’s more limiting to not be with someone.” I have been in several relationships that, in hindsight, were incredibly limiting and I was better off on my own. How is it more limiting to be alone?

  3. Sadya
    Sadya says:

    Having a new business idea isn’t really a bad thing to have. Whether and when you act upon the idea will be of importance.
    You shouldn’t feel guilty or awful of having ideas or maybe even seeing a non-committal person.
    We understand ourselves more when we are with people who we perceive as different from us.

  4. Ruo
    Ruo says:

    I dont understand that if your lifestyle biz is working out, why can’t you stay status quo to give you time to date? You can only handle one life priority at a time so given it was career/biz/job before, now its dating. Make dating a focus for 6 months to try out and see as many guys you can. treat it like a new biz idea to pursue to energize you. Be upfront with the bf about your aspirations on these new biz pursuits. Your brain says you want someone who is fun, business-y to talk shop with, but truly what you need is a super committed guy that will support you through your pursuits without judgment. He can be boring as heck, but he’ll stick through with your every business up and down. That will be a great type of stability that anchors you. Then, being committed becomes easier because you sound like what you crave the most is consistent loyalty in a guy. I recently found out most guys think of committment in dating means dating exclusively, nothing more! That was not as scary!

  5. Dionne
    Dionne says:

    +1 for the fear of commitment. The ideas for a new business are probably a manifestation of anxiety you have about your current one e.g. what if this isn’t the one, maybe I should be doing something else and I say this because your current endeavour sounds really cool. Good luck!

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