Why do autistic females have so little energy compared to the men?
Is there a reason why autistic males have so much energy and female autistics have so little? Just something I noticed in general and in my own family.
For example, most male autistics I meet even in old age have limitless energy for hobbies and other stuff while most female autistics I know (including myself) have barely enough energy to make it through the day.
All the emotional work women do in college and onwards in adulthood to pass as neurotypical is exhausting – the men who are autistic don’t notice if they are passing as normal, so it doesn’t tire them out.
In marriage, men set their lives up to do only what they like. Women do what needs to be done to look normal. It is exhausting to try to make the family look normal. It is not exhausting to make the family fit your strengths and interests.
For example at home, moms have to make small talk with other moms to set up playdates. And then supervise play dates. Autistic moms would much prefer to be working than setting up playdates.
At work, autistic women go to group lunches where behaving like everyone else is exhausting. Most autistic women just want to go back their desk and keep working. But that’s not appropriate so you pretend to enjoy socializing. Otherwise, you lose jobs for being a bad cultural fit, whereas men are more likely to be excused for being a crazy genius.
Penelope
Hi P, you say “Autistic moms would much prefer to be working than setting up playdates.” I sort of identify with that. But I’m also an INFJ, who supposedly finds more fulfillment from being at home than working. How do these traits balance each other out? How does an autistic INFJ find happiness and fulfillment?
That’s a pretty big question. I mean, INFJs are the most unhappy personality type, and autistic women have a really high suicide rate, and happiness is 75% set at birth. So the first thing you should do is tell yourself to be fine right now with where you are. That’s really important for you.
For an INFJ that probably means getting married/staying married and never complaining about the person you’re with. And for an autistic woman it mean stop camouflaging because we think we are doing it well but we’re not –everyone can see through it and it’s exhausting us.
Penelope
Autistic (Asperger) INFJ women here and I completely agree with Penelope’s response. Married over a decade with two kids.
Your happiness is your responsibility. And it’s achievable. It’s your perspective.