I have autism and I want a woman to share my time with. However, this has proved exceedingly difficult.

I am now 31 years old and functioning a lot better than I did in my 20s. I often fool myself into thinking that I am really functional and should have no problem getting the things I want, but then I have a panic attack and remember that I am not like other people. That said I have a very good job, quite good looking and am in very good physical shape (I do triathlons).

The only women that have ever shown interest in me for any period of time are women I did not find attractive; women that I did find attractive but the idea that we were compatible was ludicrous; women with mental health problems of some sort also made them impossible to deal with.

Then, I tried using an online dating website where I was matched with another woman who has the same autism condition as me. Yet she has a social life and is less socially anxious than me. You would think we would be compatible and yet I did not get the impression that she found me attractive.

I feel like no normal woman wants a man that has almost no emotion or empathy and cannot join in with their social life. I am discouraged from the online dating experience.

Do you have any useful input for me?

3 replies
  1. Penelope Trunk
    Penelope Trunk says:

    There are things you have that make up for your lack of empathy. If you tell someone up front that you have autism and what it means, then you can find someone who will like that. There are many, many people who like traits of autism. Many people with autism get married. In fact, it’s much easier for people like you to get married than to hold down a job.

    Things you can tell a prospective partner:

    You are more honest than anyone: lying is actually a complex social skill that people with autism don’t have. So, when someone says, “does this make me look fat?” you give a real answer. Someone will like that you’re real.

    You are never mean: lack of empathy is not mean. It’s a poor understanding of what someone else wants. Being mean is a very complicated social skill you don’t have. You can explain this to someone. They will like that you are kind.

    You take directions well: if a partner tells you what to do, you’ll do it. Like, “buy me flowers on my birthday”. Most people would bristle to be told what to do.

    I hope this helps.

    Penelope

    Reply
    • Joy
      Joy says:

      Hello! This is me as well. My staff told me that I must learn how to lie. It’s true. Lying is hard. I usually tell the truth or some part of the truth most of the time. Now they post my schedule online and they want me to lie about it.

      I am never mean or angry. My emotions are joy, sadness, and fear. I don’t experience anger, jealousy, and disgust. When I experience something that other people will be angry about, I feel fear that maybe I should do something different or act angry. When I feel that I am in trouble, I tend to smile and laugh.

      I ask for directions. I ask my staff, “What do you recommend?” I ask my family and friends, “What do you want?” It’s much easier for me to follow others and change myself.

      Maybe that’s why getting married and having children is not a priority. It is tiring to follow what your parents want you to do, and this might happen when I marry and have children.

      Follow parents. Be good at school. Study in a science high school. Study diplomacy. Be a lawyer. Be a soldier.

      I told my parents that as an INFP, I am the opposite of a diplomat (extrovert), a lawyer (thinking, judging), and a soldier (sensing, thinking, judging). It seems that these careers are their dreams. My dream is to avoid conflict. Attain peace by gaining wisdom.

      Reply
  2. Jim Grey
    Jim Grey says:

    Even for neurotypicals, the online dating experience is this: meeting a lot of people that are not a match for various reasons before finding someone who is. A whole bunch of No before you get to Yes.

    Reply

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